How to deal with a breakup

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By John DeVries | February 17, 2008

Breakups are hard. Unfortunately, almost everyone on earth has to go through the difficult stages of ending a romantic relationship at some point in their life. Most of us endure it multiple times. Strangely enough, we all deal with this problem in different ways, some of which are healthy and others of which are not so healthy. Whether you’re the dumper or the dumped, it’s a difficult time.

Below are suggestions both from my own experience and from a book called “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” by Harold H. Bloomfield M.D., Melba Colgrove, Ph.D., & Peter McWilliams. The following suggestions don’t just apply to the ends of romantic relationships. They can be helpful during any loss.

Be respectful of your emotions, but not a slave to them

You might be feeling, sad, lonely, depressed, angry, frustrated, uncertain, afraid, betrayed, anxious, flustered, or a combination of any of those emotions. It is also possible that you are not experiencing any emotions at all. Any or all of those possibilities are normal, healthy and to be expected. Don’t suppress your emotions. It’s easy to want to push them down and away because they are unpleasant to feel. However, this will often cause more stress and more severe emotional outbursts as a result of you not feeling them when they arise.

If you need to cry, go do it. If you want to punch something, find something safe to punch (this does not include people or cement walls). If you want to yell, that’s fine. Feel your emotions, embrace them, accept them and release them.

There is one rule though in regards to your emotions. Don’t let them control you.

Choose to feel them, accept them and live with them, don’t become your emotions. Your life is not over. I promise. Yet, it is totally fair for you to feel that way. Allow yourself to have the feeling without actually acknowledging intellectually that your life has come to an end. You will get through it, choose to believe that consciously even though it doesn’t feel that way right now.

Don’t look for a way out of pain

Often what makes losing someone so hard is the constant pain. You wake up with it, go to work with it and go to bed with it every day. In the beginning you think about it and feel it constantly, even if you know it’s not rational to do so. Over time you may only feel it every hour or maybe just every day. Sometimes it takes months to remove most of the pain. In fact, some parents who have lost children report that the pain never totally leaves, not for the rest of their lives (don’t worry, this doesn’t have to happen with your breakup).

Your pain is natural. When you break your arm it hurts and that pain may last for several months. But slowly, over time it subsides and what replaces it is a stronger bone. At the moment you probably do not feel strong, that’s ok.

Don’t look for a way to remove your pain. I know it’s tempting, pain is unpleasant. After surgery doctors usually prescribe drugs to help their patients deal with the pain. This is accepted as normal because surgery is extremely painful. If you’re severely depressed or suicidal, drugs may be appropriate for you right now. For the rest of us, pain is a byproduct of difficult circumstances. It will cleanse you, heal you, and remind you you’re alive.

On the bright side, there is one way out of your emotional tribulation - through the pain. I know it’s the scary road, but that’s what makes you a stronger, more healthy person when you arrive at the end of the journey. Without that transcendence you would gain nothing from the experience. And if you gain nothing, what was it all worth?

There’s nothing wrong with keeping busy and distracting yourself with healthy and productive activity. But don’t use it as a way to remove the pain, use those activities to take your mind off of it for a while so you can have a break.

You will make it

It does end. You will heal. And the best part is that when you arrive on the other side, you will be so changed and so much the better that if you could go back, you would do it all over again.

Lance Armstrong once said, and I’m paraphrasing, that if he could have chosen winning the Tour De France or cancer, he would have picked cancer. Sounds crazy hu?

It’s not. After he beat it he became a person he could love and admire. It also gave him a greater purpose in life. It caused him to grow in ways being healthy never would have.

This will be your outcome as well. But only if you do the hard work of accepting the circumstances and channeling your suffering into personal growth. Do not be a coward, do not run away. Choose courage, become a better person. You can do this. And when you look back you’ll be glad you came this way and no other.

Most people find someone new

One thing I’m sure is on your mind are your prospects of being in love again. Let me reassure you; they are good! But they aren’t good right now. Starting a new relationship while you’re still rebounding from an old one will shortchange you. Without fully recovering from your loss you will end up in the same place again and again. It’s an easy way out in the short term, it feels good and helps you forget about the old person. But you will end up back here. Life will challenge you with the same difficulties over and over until you face them down and overcome them.

Make this the last time you have to be in this place. Understand your role in the break up, even if it was a passive one. Once you have healed completely and you can honestly say you’re in love with who you are, you’ll be ready to give that to another person.

And please, don’t start thinking you’ll never find anyone again. If you want to and are willing to do the work, you will. But if you want a relationship that’s healthier, happier and lasting, you first must become a person more capable of such a relationship.

The details are irrelevant

Don’t waste your time going over and over your recent break up. The questions of, “Why? How? What if? Where is he/she? Do they love me?” are completely irrelevant. It’s not easy to let them go, but mulling over them in your thoughts will only perpetuate your suffering. Choose to be disciplined with your thinking. Every time your former partner pops into your brain, choose to think about something else - Anything else. Every time.

Healing is not linear

This chart is a re-do of one I found on page 36 of “How to Survive the Loss of a Love”

Click on the thumbnail to view.

Often we think our recovery process is going to be a strait shot from feeling crappy to feeling great. It doesn’t work this way. The right side of this chart will represent how you feel both within a given day and also over the course of many months. You will get to the top though. Don’t worry.

Forgive yourself

Forgive yourself in advance for having bad days, cloudy thinking, poor judgment, strange habits, bad sleeping patterns, sub-par work performance, or mood swings. These are all natural and completely normal. Until you’re done hurting you won’t feel like you’re totally back to being 100%. That’s ok.

While you’re in the forgiving mindset, do your best to forgive both yourself and your former partner for ending up here. It happens, and it happens to most people. You’re not alone. Do your best not to hold onto your anger. This will take time though.

Don’t restart the relationship

I’m not saying you and this person cannot and will not ever be together again. But doing so now will profit you nothing. You will be back here. It’s not fun. Once you’ve both healed there is the possibility for a happier and healthier future together. Until then, you must accept it and let go. This is for certain one of the most difficult things to do. I know I’ve failed at it many times. It’s ok.

Get rid of that junk

It’s over. Stash away or get rid of the pictures, notes, stuffed animals and pretty much anything that reminds you of that person. Reminders start mental loops which cause you to think about the person, miss them, and feel pain. Fighting, but still accepting these loops is hard enough as it is. Don’t compound the problem by keeping reminders everywhere. It’s time to become a new and better you. Focus on that.

Fear is natural

It’s ok to be be afraid. You may be afraid of being alone, your future prospects, of hurting or of the road ahead. Accept it. It won’t last. You’ll see.

Keep a journal

It doesn’t have to be something you do for the rest of your life, but journaling can help you get your thoughts out and come up with solutions that will help you get through this time. If it works, go for it. If not, no big deal.

When you’re ready, start over

Move to a new city or apartment. Do things you’ve been meaning to do for a long time. Meet new people, take calculated and healthy risks. This is a time to re-invent yourself. Take the opportunity to make your life better. It will be worth it, trust me.

Read these books

How to Survive the Loss of a Love - Peter McWilliams, Harold H. Bloomfield, and Melba Colgrove

The 7 habits of Highly effective people - Stephen R. Covey

Living the Habits - Stephen R. Covey

Wealth 101: Getting What You Want - Enjoying What You’ve Got - Peter McWilliams

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