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What do actions say about your relationships?
By John DeVries | February 12, 2008
Many of us, including myself, think we’re great judges of character. In fact, that was something throughout my life that I always prided myself on. I thought I could see the truth about people when others couldn’t. This was true in some cases, I’m fairly perceptive in some areas of life I suppose. But I still found myself occasionally getting burned and surprised by acquaintances and even people close to me.
As humans, we primarily communicate verbally. For the last few thousand years, this has worked extremely well for us as a species, but not so great for us as individuals. It’s not news to you that people can say anything. We all have experiences where others have deceived us and I certainly can’t say I never told a lie.
Unfortunately, most of us believe what we hear. Especially if it comes from someone we know, trust or love. This article really is for anyone, but if you often find yourself surprised, disillusioned, frustrated, or hurt by peoples’ actions this article is especially for you.
What you expect vs. What you get
If you’re surprised or upset by someone else’s actions, I believe there are two main concepts at work here. The first is your expectation(s), the second is the actual result.
A common theme running throughout this website which I hope you will pick up on, if you read here often, is that of personal responsibility. Going around blaming everyone else for all the wrong they’ve done to you isn’t only pointless, it can be extremely detrimental to your life as well. You play a part in every problem you’ve ever had with anyone. That doesn’t necessarily mean you did something wrong or harmful, but at a bare minimum you at least played a passive role.
Expectations
Generally, our expectations are built around what we want and need, what other people want for us, and what society says we should have. Often we place the people around us in a position to fulfill some of those needs in our lives. Sometimes they exist to meet just a few, other times we hope one person will meet them all. Always though, we find few people who will be able to meet any of them. This isn’t everyone else’s problem, it’s yours.
Our desire for happiness, love, companionship and connectedness with other human beings is so strong it can sometimes be deceiving. Thinking other people are perfectly capable of meeting these needs we primarily listen to what they say, not what they do. When you love someone, hearing they love you too is a wonderful feeling, it’s likely you feel an expectation and hope has been met. It’s often a dream come true. When we need friends, it’s great to hear that other people like us. When our job is important, it’s nice to know everyone we work with likes us. But if you often find yourself angry and hurt by other people, it’s time for a reality check. Your needs are your responsibility, not theirs. And the few that require another person should be handled ever so delicately.
I’m not trying to assert that you will never be able to trust or depend on other people for love, romance, companionship, or friendship. What I am saying is that these things in true form, while not necessarily rare, require a bit of relationship discernment.
And that discernment comes first from you taking a moment to consider how your expectations may have clouded your judgment in the past, or even the present.
I’d like to provide you with an example from my own life.
When I write, I hope to do so not as a teacher educating student (I have no place suggesting I’m above anyone), but rather as a student assisting another student. We’re both learning about life here and I’m sure if our communication was reciprocal, I could glean just as much from you as you do from me.
Actually, this is a chance for me to encourage you to email me or comment on this article. Your feedback is important to me. I’m not just writing this stuff because it helps me remember it, I’m primarily writing it because I want other people to benefit form what I’m learning.
Anyway…
I like to provide examples from my own life because it re-emphasizes the point that I screw up all the time. I often don’t give when I should, I don’t love others like they deserve, I miss days at the gym when I’m tired, etc… I’m not perfect and here’s a great example of why.
I’m reminded of a past co-worker of mine. This man was completely irrational. I knew this, I could see it every day. The decisions he made with his family, friends, health, and within his relationships made no logical or intuitive sense. Not surprisingly, his life results were pretty poor. Yet, he was also extremely charismatic. It was often easy to believe what he said.
However, I frequently found that when he treated me or responded to me in an unkind or irrational manner, I got angry, upset, sometimes even enraged. This was not his fault, it was my fault because my expectations were completely out of alignment with reality. He was simply doing what he had proven he will do countless times before. But I stupidly expect for some reason that in this specific circumstance, suddenly he would act in a way which historically he had proven either incapable of, or at least unlikely to do. This is utter idiocy on my part.
Everyone else on planet earth is out of your control. But how often do we have expectations of them to act a certain way? Have you ever found yourself saying, “He should be nice to me.”, “Why doesn’t she love me?”, “Why aren’t they here yet, they shouldn’t be late!”, “I can’t believe she said that!”.
Guess what folks, other people don’t have to do anything you want or expect them to. All of the “shoulds”, “musts”, “can’ts”, “wills”, “wonts” and “I can’t believes” you place on other people are unnecessary, unwarranted, and destined to strait up piss you off or break your heart.
Let me repeat that.
Other people don’t have to do anything you want or expect them to.
“He can’t cheat on me!” - Yes he can, and you probably should have seen it coming (not in all cases mind you).
“She should have listened to me” - No, you probably should have known she wouldn’t.
“I can’t believe she just left me, just like that” - Apparently you weren’t that valuable to her, but this isn’t the first time you had that thought now is it?
“He aggravates me to no end!” - Is that a recent development?
Stop expecting people to act a certain way. They don’t have to and you’re just frustrating yourself by thinking they do. The good news is, you don’t have to place unwarranted trust in untrustworthy people, and you also don’t have to be sceptical of the people you do trust. And you can actually sort out who can be expected to meet your needs and who can’t relatively easily.
Actions don’t just speak louder than words, they should take the place of them.
I really think the area this is most relevant and evident is within our romantic relationships. In terms of our interactions with other human beings, this is the place where the most expectations are held and often the fewest are met. If you’re married or in any kind of serious relationship, I want you to remove for a moment all of the preconceived notions you have about your spouse or significant other. Pretend for a moment that you don’t actually know this person, pretend you’re simply an unemotionally involved observer.
In one sentence, how would you describe how your partner acts towards their partner (you). The key here is the word act. What is their attitude toward you most of the time? How do they treat you? How do they treat others? When are they at their worst? When are they at their best? What is the one thing or the few things they always seem to do consistently (good or bad)?
Simplified even more, how do they make you feel most of the time? If the answer is bad, not great, horrible, worthless, etc… It’s really time for a wake up call. You haven’t been paying attention to their real communication.
Listen, everyone makes mistakes. I’ve had two serious relationships spanning roughly 8 years. One for 5 years and another for almost 3. I am relatively certain that both of those girls knew they were loved, really loved. Sure, there were times I spoke when I should have shut up, stayed quite when I should have communicated, showed up late when I should have been on time, laughed instead of hugged, wanted more of something that wasn’t there, etc… But by and large, both of these two females knew if they needed someone to listen, were down and out, wanted to go have fun, or simply needed to know they were loved, I would make every effort within my power to meet whatever need I could. I cared for and appreciated these people the best I could at the time given my maturity level. And even though I may have put excessive pressure on them to meet my own needs too, they were loved and it was obvious.
You should have the overwhelming sense, in spite of your partners imperfections (and we all have them), that they love you, care about you, want you around, and passionately want to make your life better. If you can’t describe them in this way something is wrong. Your emotions are truly a key to the reality of your relationship. If 80% of the time this person pisses you off, hurts you, blames you, makes you feel worthless, doesn’t respect your boundaries, or doesn’t seem to care, that’s a signal.
The words, “I love you” don’t mean mickey-mouse-bull-squash if they aren’t backed by apparent, obvious and tangible actions.
I’m willing to go so far to say that if your partner hits you, makes no consistent effort to help meet your needs in the relationship, consistently disrespects you, cheats on you (especially more than once), regularly hurts you (especially if it’s intentional), or time and time again doesn’t do what they say they will do for you, they don’t love you.
Your partner doesn’t love you and you’re ignoring it because you expect to be loved.
Most of the time these people aren’t intentionally deceiving you. Sometimes our weaknesses or lack of maturity keep us from truly loving the people that we obviously should and maybe even want to love. But I’m not going to play games here, if they don’t act like they love you the vast majority of the time, then they don’t. The words mean nothing.
But millions of people put up with it every day because they want to be loved, and expect that the person who says they are loved means it. But if you can’t readily see it in what they do, the truth is they just plain don’t. I know it’s hard to hear, I’ve been there. It was a shock.
I’m not going to tell you what to do about it, each person and relationship is so unique I couldn’t possibly make generalized recommendations. What I can say is that if this is true for you, eventually you’ll get your heart broken and reality will prove to you what you knew all along. Sooner is generally better than later.
Other human relationships
These same principals apply to your relationships with your co-workers, your friends, and the rest of your family as well. Read people by what they do or don’t do, not by what they say or worse yet what you want them to say.
Don’t share revealing or personal information with someone who hasn’t proven themselves trustworthy through actions. Saying to you, “I wont tell anyone”, isn’t enough.
Don’t call someone your friend if they consistently stand you up, never call, and don’t respect you in front of your other friends.
Stop getting angry when someone you know doesn’t do what you want! That’s not their job!
Your life is your responsibility. How you feel, react and respond is up to you. In a dream world, everyone on earth would want to help you and treat you the best they could. That’s why I’m such a believer in unconditional love. I want to spend each day doing my part to love the people who love me, the people I don’t know, and especially those whom I could easily hate. If none of us had expectations of others yet we all aimed to exceed the expectations of the people that matter most in our lives, human relationships would be the envy of all creation. Just because it may not be possible on earth doesn’t mean it isn’t worth trying for.
Topics: Learning, Life, Love, Relationships |