5 Self-Improvement myths

« How to stop feeling bad | Home | 6 Effective problem solving tools »

By John DeVries | March 24, 2008

Your introduction to self-improvement may have been very similar to mine. I remember when I first came upon self-help and personal development literature I was very skeptical. However, it wasn’t long before a whole new world of possibilities was opened up to me.

Before my introduction to this field I had almost no concept of personal responsibility in terms of my life direction. I was a responsible person, but my life was mostly on autopilot. Just the very notion that you could actually create anything for yourself or of yourself, even if it meant spending many years working very hard, was new to me.

Once you begin reading lots of self-help literature you tend to become very goal and achievement oriented. There’s a lot of excitement surrounding all of this new information. You start thinking things like: “I can have whatever I want; I can change my life; I will be rich; I will finally be happy.” While any of those conditions may come true, it is easy to mislead yourself. By dumping all your eggs into the self-help basket, you become dependent on change, this often leads to a refusal to accept and enjoy where you are right now. And that leads me to self-improvement myth number one.

Myth 1: I’ll be happy when…

The fundamental premise behind this myth is this: By improving yourself and your life you will acquire things that will ultimately make you happy. Please don’t fall into this trap, and don’t let authors of self-help books and websites lead you into it. Lasting happiness is not in what you get. Happiness is already deeply woven into the very essence of who you are. In actuality, the more you try to get and acquire things with the hope that they will make you happy, the more illusive happiness will be. Intense desire is often, but not always, a stumbling block to happiness.

I am certainly not advocating an apathetic attitude toward your life, nor am I suggesting you should accept your circumstances blindly and then do nothing about them. What I am saying is that doing stuff and getting things, in order to improve the external circumstances that surround your life, (while fun, enjoyable and pleasurable) will not result in lasting fulfillment. You’ll simply end up wanting new things which you think will make you more happy. It doesn’t work.

The mindset of: “I’ll be happy with ‘X’ when I get ‘Y’”, is prevalent not just within the self-improvement industry but throughout western society. We live in a fast paced, achievement oriented world. While this results in many advancements for both individuals and our species as a whole, in excess it can be very destructive.

Self-improvement and the subsequent improvements that occur in the external parts of your life will not necessarily make you happy. Ironically, for me, it was through absorbing self-improvement literature that I found this out. So, in a way this myth is a bit paradoxical. I’m not really sure that it would be right for me to tell you how to be happy. After all, figuring out how to be happy is certainly one of life’s most difficult questions. All I can say is that while I truly believe in self-improvement and that it will bring you many forms of joy and success, I also believe true happiness is within.

Myth 2: All my problems will be solved

Improving yourself and your life does have the potential to solve problems. In fact, it can solve some of your deepest problems. After all, who on earth is in a better position to help you than you? Self-help advice can… well… be helpful, but at the end of the day your problems are your own, and ultimately you will be the one to come up with solutions. However, while improving yourself can indeed give you more tools with which to solve your problems, life is inherently… problematic.

It seems many of us have a chronic aversion and distaste for problems. We think that if there is something wrong in our life circumstances that it needs fixing ASAP, and until it gets fixed, we can’t be happy. The truth is, no matter how many problems you solve in your life, there will always be another one to take its place. So, the solution to all your problems isn’t personal development or self-help. The solution is to look at your problems differently.

Most of the problems we have in life we create. Problems are really rooted in perception. If you think it’s a problem, it is. Take death for example. For most of us, the reality that our lives will one day come to an end is a big problem. This is evident by the amazing popularity of facial wrinkle removers, hair regrowth treatments, diets, workout programs, etc… Many of these products and services are sold by the millions to people that posses at least some denial of their mortality (I’m probably one of them). They consume these things to stay looking young, ultimately because they do not accept the reality that they are getting older. And once you get old, you die.

But, believe it or not, not everyone is afraid of dying. In fact, some people don’t see it as a problem at all. While I’m not yet one of those people, I know they exist. This tells me that perception is really the problem. If death is a huge problem for one person, and insignificant to another, then the issue is probably in perception.

Myth 3: It will happen fast

Improving yourself and your life is slow work. There just isn’t any way around it.

I’ve been working very hard at it for the last 6 months and though I’ve seen significant changes, results come slowly. In that short amount of time I can say that I’m stronger, smarter, more well read, wiser, more patient, etc… But if you look at the external conditions of my life, they haven’t changed all that much. Some things have seen significant improvement. For example, getting a personal trainer has yielded tangible and measurable results for me physically.

But, the majority of your progress in the first months and even years of your own personal growth will be internal. Inside, I feel literally 100x different than I did half a year ago. But my external world catches up to me much more slowly. Don’t get me wrong, I am seeing changes and you will too. But it’s simply not a fast process. And most of the benefits, at least initially, are within.

Myth 4: More is better

It seems most people pursue the field of self-improvement to get something. Sometimes, they do it to get a lot of things.

The “get more” mentality is prevalent in our society. It’s a, “more is better” mindset. Yet, this isn’t always true. Sometimes getting what you want is great, it makes you feel good, and you enjoy the results of your labor. Other times, you find that getting what you’ve been craving for so long is somewhat anticlimactic.

“Nothing in excess, everything in moderation” - famous philosophical Greek quote

I don’t remember who said the above statement, but I think it’s particularly applicable here. Improving yourself and your life obviously entails getting things that are both tangible and intangible. But, more is not always better and there is something to be said for a simple life.

Myth 5: I’ll be at peace

Once again, peace is not acquired. Peace is within. After all, how could it be something you get? If peace of mind and heart require that you improve your life or make it different, then none of us will ever be at peace. Our lives are in a constant state of change. Things are continually flowing into them and out of them, sometimes at a very rapid pace. Yet, how often do we wait for favorable circumstances to come our way in order to feel happy and at peace with our lives and ourselves. Many people pursue personal development for that exact reason. They’re waiting for something. They’re trying to get something.

Peace results from acceptance and presence. The more completely and totally you accept where you are right now, live in this moment, and become aware of your reality in this instant, the more peace you will have. Actually, this very much the heart of meditation. That’s why it’s so popular, and why so many people find themselves at peace while they meditate. At least that’s in part why I do it.

You don’t necessarily have to put time aside to meditate. You can do it all the time. Maintain a constant awareness of your thoughts, your body and your surroundings. You’ll soon find that you enjoy the simple things that exist all around you. Once you slow down and begin to see the world the way it is, the rat race of acquisition will seem drastically less important. Be patient with yourself though, this is a profound mental shift. Like me, you may only feel true inner peace for moments at a time. Keep at it, you will improve.

Summary

I didn’t write this article to bring you down or remove your excitement about improving your life.

Heck! I run a self-improvement blog! What would be the sense in that?

I’ll be the first person to say that becoming a better person and improving your life and the lives of those around you is one of the most important things you could possibly do while you’re here on earth. What I hope you’ve taken away from this post is that while there are certainly reasons to pursue your own personal growth, there are also a lot of myths and misrepresentations in the industry. I don’t want to see you invest countless hours of work and energy into self-improvement only to find you didn’t get what you were looking for. If you’re looking for the above 5 things, self-improvement may help you get closer to them, but it isn’t the answer in and of itself.

Bookmark It