How to make lasting changes in life
By John DeVries | May 12, 2008
Today I want to talk about lasting change. Change is obviously a large part of self-improvement. Improving your circumstances or making your life better will require both internal and external changes. Yet, positive change can be elusive. It is often easy to know what we want, but much more difficult to make the changes that are necessary to get there. Though there are countless reasons why we may not do the things we want to do in life, one of the most significant is our outlook.
The reality is that lasting results require lasting change.
Why the end shouldn’t be the goal
When people set out to do things like - lose weight, find a new partner, start a new business, or get a degree, they often do so with the mindset that taking certain actions will result in a desirable final result. While this approach does work to some degree, we’re often disillusioned when the weight comes back on, when that new relationship turns south, or when the college degree wasn’t quite what we thought it was.
In truth, if a result is the end in and of itself, it’s likely you’ll make changes to your life only long enough to get that result. You’ll eat right and exercise long enough to look the way you want. You’ll educate yourself and study enough to get that degree. Or, you’ll treat your partner well as long as they are fulfilling the role you slotted them for. If you haven’t made the commitment to change your thoughts, your state of mind, your actions and your life; your results, while temporarily pleasing, will leave you dissatisfied and void of lasting change.
Lasting change is difficult
But, making changes that yield life long results are difficult to make. This is why we often face the same dragons week after week, month after month and year after year. Sometimes we struggle against our own vices for decades on end. It doesn’t have to be this way.
First you need to realize that with any goal, the final result shouldn’t necessarily be your focus. For example, if your goal is to lose 20 lbs and you focus on the weight, you may starve yourself, eat poorly and abuse your body for a few months to make it to your goal. Afterward, it’s likely you’ll eventually gain the weight back. The motivation was real, but the change was temporary.
If instead your focus is to live a healthy life style for the rest of your life, you can put your energy into all the small steps that need to happen along the way to your side goal of losing weight. 20 lbs of weight loss will simply be a benefit to how great you feel eating right, exercising regularly, and feeling mentally and emotionally healthy and vibrant again. It may take you a year to lose that weight, but 10 years from now it will still be gone and you’ll be a different person. But, making lifestyle changes are difficult. We want fast results and quick solutions. But, that’s rarely how life works. The key is to learn to enjoy the journey along the way, if you fail to do this, then you aren’t really living your life; you’re just in a perpetual state of waiting and wanting.
How to make real and lasting changes
Changes need to be implemented slowly. If you want to eventually drink 80 ounces of water a day, but currently drink 12, start out by drinking 20oz for a few days, then up it to 30oz. After a week or two you can do 50oz, etc… If you simply start downing the water each day you may soon tire of the behavior. You won’t be use to urinating more, your stomach will feel full and distended all the time, and it’s likely you’ll begin to hate it. Plus, if you make it to 80oz for two days and then fail for a few days, you’ll feel like you can’t do it because you don’t have all the small victories behind you.
I experienced this recently while training for my first 8k. I went from running one mile with great difficulty to running four miles with significantly less difficulty in only 3 weeks. However, the increase was simply too fast and it took another 3 weeks just get to where I could run 5 miles. I developed shin splints, got sick of exercising twice a day EVERY day, and now I have to take a month off running completely to let my shins heal so I can start training again. Had I progressed more slowly, I would be able to continue running and my progress in 2 months would be much better than it will be now.
You can apply this to any part of your life: Choose not to do that ONE thing that irritates your partner; walk just a half mile every day; meditate for just 5 minutes once a week, etc…
Life is an adventure
It’s important to have goals, but don’t live your life waiting to arrive. Part of what makes true and lasting change enjoyable is appreciating all the small victories and difficulties along the way. If you make small and significant improvements to any area of your life over the course of time, the achievement of your goals will simply be a byproduct of the wonderful life you’re building. Don’t buy into the mindset that you have to have it all and do it all right now. Experience the quality of your life by being here, right now. Take the first step towards your goal and do it with your full attention and enjoyment, make it a habit, a part of your daily routine. You can then build off each accomplishment and before you know it, you’ll have your dream. But most importantly, you’ll have actually been present for the ride there.
Topics: "How to" articles, Change, General, Goals | No Comments »
RSS Feed switch
By John DeVries | May 5, 2008
First, I want thank all of you who have subscribed to my small, yet growing, blog. I appreciate your interest so very much.
Now that I’ve officially made the change from livingutility.com to Zenprovement.com, I will be closing down the RSS feed for livingutility.com in the next week or so. Please take a moment to sign up to my new feed with Zenprovement.com.
I’m very excited about where this blog is headed. Feel free to contact me and let me know what you think about the changes.
Topics: General | No Comments »
The Zenprovement manifesto
By John DeVries | May 4, 2008
I can’t say for sure what self-improvement means to you. But I’m willing to guess that essentially, you feel it is to make positive progress on your life, your sense of identity, your virtues, your character, even your goals and dreams; the idea being that making improvements on what you identify as your “self”, will result in a happier, more joy-filled, peaceful life. It is to grow in a way that will allow you to not only build a better life for yourself, but to become a better person.
Improving yourself is certainly a worthwhile pursuit. In fact, I believe it is one of the most significant commitments you can make in life. Your greatest contributions to the world will ultimately rest on the level to which you develop your own character, discipline, skills and abilities. Yet, considering the impermanence of both reality and life itself, even major improvements and achievements gained through your personal growth are temporary. This is why I came up with what I call, “Zenprovement”.
Zenprovement is about pursuing your passions, dreams and goals, not as a quest for happiness, but because you enjoy the challenge. It is to live life in its entirety and fullness, not through the acquisition of things, but by actually experiencing life in every moment. Zenprovement is to embrace change, enjoy the journey both to and away from your dreams, and as a result, find what it is to truly live.
Acceptance, patience and mindfulness
These concepts are where the Zen part of “Zenprovement” comes from.
In each moment that we live, I believe it is most paramount that we take the time to maintain some healthy observance of what is occurring within ourselves. To watch what you think, what you feel, how you speak, and even the motivations behind your actions is to become aware of something deeper within you. This is the essence of mindfulness. If you practice it as often as you can, you’ll be amazed at how illogical some of your thoughts are and how unnecessary many of your emotional disturbances are. You’ll suddenly be aware of the triviality of anger, jealousy, fear, and anxiety. And though you may not at first be capable of stopping those feelings, an awareness of them will significantly reduce their control over your life. By being mindful and accepting each moment of your life just as it is, you will become a far more patient person. Doing all of the above is primarily about changing what is within you - your internal reality, which in turn will change your life.
Primary reality is within
How we experience what occurs around us is largely dictated by what is within us.
“Your internal state is most paramount. If you become overwhelmed by mental discomfort, external things will not help at all. However, if internally there is love, warmth, and kindheartedness, external problems can be accepted and faced more easily.” The Dalai Lama
If you were to have great riches, fame or success, those things would mean nothing to you if within you were tormented, anxious, worried or deeply unhappy. In truth, it is what you have within that dictates the quality of your life. Conversely, you could be enduring horrible circumstances and great pain and still have peace within in you. Primary reality is within. As a result, making positive changes to what is within you not only changes how you view and experience the world, it will make the world a better place both for you and others.
Pursuing your goals, acting on your dreams, and following your bliss
However, Zenprovement isn’t simply about accepting everything that is both within and without. I do not advocate blindly bending to the will of others or resolving to do nothing in the face of unfortunate circumstances. Quite the opposite in fact.
No one has the power to change your life but you. If a difficult situation is to improve, you will be the primary force to make that change. If you have a goal, YOU will be the one to take the actions necessary to achieve it. Yet, instead of pursuing our goals and ambitions desperately, as a way to make life acceptable, I would first suggest that you must first acknowledge that it simply is, as it is. By practicing acceptance you remove the psychological pain associated with unpleasant or unwanted circumstances. You also enable yourself to take action without becoming attached to the outcome.
Living a passionate and purposeful life, the essence of self-improvement
Zen is not about passivity, it is about having peace of mind with all that is within you and around you. And it will help give you the tools to more adequately live the life you set out to live.
“The real purpose of the work of spirituality is to get us to align our personalities with our soul or higher consciousness, so that the work that you do in the world comes from a place of higher consciousness. You use your ego and personality to serve the consciousness that has put you here on earth in the first place. And when you do that, everything has a flow to it… because you are in alignment.” Oprah Winfrey
To me, Zen isn’t necessarily about sitting quietly on top of a mountain. It means continuing to live your life, to pursue your goals and to become a better person. But, you do those things with a higher awareness. You act and pursue self-improvement not out of a need for something, but to fulfill the higher purpose that is within you. It is to become a more conscious person and to align what you do in the world with what is best for not only yourself, but also for those around you. By doing that, I am of the conviction that you will bring to you the resources you require and whatever help you will need to make positive changes in yourself and in the world. And in the process, I believe you will find that living with that new level of awareness will strip you of your burdens from the past and your anxiety towards the future. It will put you in a place where you can truly appreciate your life. You will begin to see each moment just as it is, and you’ll find that for the first time you know what it means to actually be alive.
Topics: Change, Courage, General, Goals, Growth, Life, Meaning, Purpose, Self-Improvement, Spirituality, Zen | No Comments »
Changes on the blog
By John DeVries | April 30, 2008
If you’ve been following my blog at all you’ve probably noticed things have been pretty slow around here during the last month or so. My apologies to those of you who were expecting new content in April. Though I sat down to write a few times each week, I simply couldn’t produce any material that I thought was worthy of your time.
Reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle had such a significant impact on me that it changed both my views on self-improvement, and consequently, the general purpose of this blog.
When I started LivingUtility.com I was of the opinion that life was (to a large extent) about achieving happiness by creating the life of your dreams, pursuing goals and following your bliss. While I still whole heartedly endorse those endeavors, my thinking has changed quite drastically on what happiness, peace, and life really mean. Consequently, I found it nearly impossible to produce quality content for my blog as long as it was operating under it’s old purpose: To help people “Live better”.
Thus, you’re going to see some pretty major changes around here. I’m renaming it Zenprovement.com (to embody a more peaceful, accepting, patient, and tranquil version of self-improvement), I’ll be changing the design, and while it will still be a blog about self-improvement (a topic I’m passionate about), I intend to incorporate ideas like mindfulness and acceptance. I feel that the self-improvement industry as a whole is largely driven by our desires, our need to attain goals, and even our own desperation. While I still have desires, and I hope you do as well, I am also of the conviction that seeking ourselves, our purpose or our entire identity in them is foolish.
As you read this blog in the weeks to come, I hope you’ll find that it’s not necessarily a “better” life you need to create; perhaps you have only to find that you weren’t truly living.
Expect more on this in the future. For now, check out my video recording above.
Topics: Change, General, Growth, Learning, Live better, Purpose, Self-Improvement, Spirituality, Video | No Comments »
The secret of life
By John DeVries | April 2, 2008
“The secret of life is to die before you die, and find that there is no death.” Eckhart Tolle
Up until now I have made a point of writing what I hope are original, thought provoking, and often rather lengthy posts. Though this is the general strategy for my blog, there is most certainly still value in sharing other parts of the web with you. In fact, that’s what makes this medium so powerful, the interconnectedness of the internet allows for the exchange of an amazing amount of knowledge.
The secret of life
I really like that quote from Tolle. Most of us harbor an attitude of healthy denial regarding our mortality. But the truth is we’re all wondering exactly what happens when we pass from our bodies on to whatever exists beyond them. No matter what you believe, it’s likely there are, at a minimum, details about that coming experience you are not aware of.
Your identity, in terms of your name, perceptions, opinions, thoughts, etc… is not permanent. You WILL lose it once your body ceases to exist. And, upon your death, you will be able to face that reality much more easily if you have already done so long before your final moment, “to die before you die” in Eckhart’s words.
I don’t want to ruin it for you, but I really felt like this video fit in with the direction I’ve been writing on lately. I hope you enjoy it.
Jill Bolte Taylor: My Stroke of Insight Video
Topics: Death, General, Life, Love, Love people, Meaning, Spirituality | No Comments »
6 Effective problem solving tools
By John DeVries | March 31, 2008
Considering the tagline for this blog: “Useful ways to solve problems, love people and live better”, I suppose I sort of take for granted that some of you are here, at least in part, because you have problems that need solving. More specifically, I have been operating under the assumption that you don’t already have the resources, answers or solutions to all of your problems. If you did, then many of you probably wouldn’t be here.
However, this poses a very real dilemma for me. In truth, I don’t have very many answers or solutions to very many of life’s problems! Though I hope what I write is helpful, it occurred to me this week that ultimately you, that’s right YOU, are in the best position to come up with a solution to whatever problem you might have.
Every time I solve a problem of my own I make a habit of posting what the solution was on my blog. I figure if something worked for me, I had better share it with others so they needn’t work as hard as I did to devise a solution. Actually, it wouldn’t be too over presumptuous to say that a very large portion of self-help and personal development literature is aimed at doing, in part, exactly that: Presenting solutions to people’s problems.
It seems a bit arrogant to me though. Honestly, to suggest that my advice, or the advice of any other self-help guru (I’m not a guru) is good enough, specific enough, applicable enough, and truthful enough to fit and resolve your exact situation is definitely not always the the case.
At the end of the day, you’re the one who knows what’s best for you. All I or any other person who offers advice has to give you are tools. That’s it.
In light of that new insight, here are some problem solving tools I use on a regular basis.
Problem solving tool numero uno! - You
How often do we rack our brains for a solution to a difficult life problem, only to realize later that the solution was there all along. The truth is that much of the time we don’t need a solution to a problem we have, we simply necessitate the courage to implement the solution we already know we should be implementing. If this describes you in any way, you’re not alone. I’m starting a club.
I can’t even recall the number of times I had a serious problem that was weighing on me day and night, knowing deep down what it was I really should do, but not being able to do it. It’s called ambivalence, it’s extremely common.
Usually what I would do in that situation is search the internet, read books and talk to friends about it in hopes that they would come up with a solution that was easier. Let me tell you, this rarely works.
Sometimes it’s not a new solution or idea that you need; you may simply need some courage, self-discipline and/or motivation. If that’s you, stop looking for solutions. Maybe you know right now that you have a perfect solution. But, you just don’t want to do it. Perhaps you’re scared, tired, anxious, feeling guilty, etc… Stop looking for a new solution and start looking for a way to do the thing you know inside that you need to do.
I went through this a number of times in relationships. I knew more than once that I was in an unhealthy romantic relationship that wasn’t working, but I just couldn’t bring myself to end it. Ironically, these problems tend to take care of themselves if you wait long enough. In the words of Steve Pavlina, and I’m paraphrasing, “Eventually life will force the truth upon you.” I could have simply faced the truth myself, then come up with a way to solve the problem. Instead, I eroded my conscience, my relationships with those girls, my self-esteem and my level of awareness, all in the name of procrastination. And ultimately, those relationships all degraded over time and then ended (sometimes in less than optimal circumstances). Don’t be like me.
You have the solution.
Stop looking for a new one. Figure out a way to develop the strength to implement it. That’s your solution; you’re your solution.
Problem solving tool #2 - Books
If you honestly have no idea what to do, read a book. The number of smart living and dead people who have written about themselves, their lives, and their problems is unfathomable. You could be benefiting from their existence by reading about them. This doesn’t mean that your exact problem and answer will be in a book somewhere, though that does happen to me often, but it does give you resources you couldn’t tap before.
Once you spend a lot of time reading you’ll start to make a lot of new knowledge connections. Over time you’ll find that solving problems becomes much easier because you simply have more mental links. You’ll quickly find answers to problems that once would have seemed impossible to handle.
Problem solving tool #3 - The Internet
They say you can find anything on the internet, that’s probably almost true. It’s all out there, but finding what you’re looking for can be tricky. Also, you have to be careful when you’re looking for solutions on the net. The reality is that any bozo like me can start a blog and start writing stuff. Honestly, I am very careful about what I write, I read a lot, study a lot, and I spend many hours writing each article, editing it and making it as true to myself and my own experiences as possible. Still, at the end of the day every single word on this website is simply my opinion and/or the collective opinions of other writers. You have to be the one to discern what’s true and what isn’t. You have to decide who is full of fubar and who can help you.
I do, and have always maintained that you should take from my blog what you feel is useful to you and disregard the rest. This is not a source of ultimate truth and I most certainly wouldn’t want you to view it that way. At the end of the day, I or any other blogger might just be full of it. When you read on the net, consider the source. When you read my blog, consider that I’m a mostly ignorant, 24 year old male. And I fully admit that my opinion probably, at least in part, is skewed by my past, my gender, my ego, my ideologies, and who freaking knows what else.
Read the internet with skepticism. Not everyone is trying to help you; I am (even if you haven’t found me very helpful, which is fine).
Problem solving tool #4 - PROBE
I can’t believe I’m writing about this. In my high school we had this poster in a hallway with the “PROBE” problem solving method on it. I can’t tell you the number of times I made fun of it. And now, 6 years later I’m blogging about it. Gheez.
Here are the steps.
Identify the Problem
Research a solution
Organize a plan
Bring together resources
Execute
I’m not sure if that’s exactly right, I didn’t actually think that thing was worth remembering. But it makes the point well enough.
Sometimes we never bother identifying what the actual problem is before we go about trying to answer it. And though this method is purely logic based, sometimes a little logic doesn’t hurt. But when logic fails you, as it sometimes will, try tool #5.
Problem solving tool #5 - Intuition
Yup, that little voice inside that always seems to know what’s best. However, I’ve found it is often difficult to distinguish between an emotion I have about something and my gut instinct (my intuition). The best method I’ve devised so far to help differentiate between the two is this.
Emotions generally follow individual thoughts or thought patterns. If you’re thinking about something and then you feel a certain way, that generally indicates that you are experiencing an emotion. Even if you weren’t thinking about it right at that moment, if you’ve been mulling over it in your head emotions will probably surface.
Conversely, if a “feeling” or instinct rises up in you to do something at random, without an initial thought that propelled it, this is often your intuition. Though I don’t recommend making all your decisions purely on intuition, it can be extremely valuable.
Recently this happened when I was searching for a new career direction. I was feeling very confused and uncertain about what I wanted to do next. I presented the question to my self: “What job would allow me to better express my strengths, passions and life message to people?” Immediately, “personal trainer” popped into my head. This was not an interest of mine. I like working out and I do it very regularily. But I never considered this path and I didn’t consider myself to be in the kind of shape I felt I would need to be in to guide others. But, to make a long story short I decided to risk relying 100% on my intuition with that one. I dropped a significant sum on a trainer for myself and I started asking around about the field. So far, those two actions have felt GREAT. Getting a trainer was one of the best decions I’ve made in my entire life and I have the feeling I would really enjoy being one.
Problem solving tool #6 - Acceptance
Have you ever considered that maybe you don’t actually have a problem? Perhaps you’re simply resisting reality (what is). I am so guilty of this. But, I’ve found that when you begin to observe and accept both what’s inside (your thoughts and feelings) and what’s outside (your circumstances), there are really very few, if any, problems.
In truth, most problems are projections of our minds. By comparing the present moment to the past, the future, and what we think we want, we create resistance towards what is real right now in this moment. As you do this, you start to view your current circumstances are “problems”. You don’t have to do this. If you accept everything you’re experiencing and, as Albert from Urbanmonk.net puts it, “Relax into” your emotions and thoughts, you’ll soon find a whole new level of peace. Accept what you’re thinking, feeling, and experiencing utterly and completely. Maintain as much constant attention to the present moment and what is occurring inside you as you can. A few days or weeks later you will begin to notice some major changes in how you feel about your, “problems”.
Read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Summary
I hope some of the tools above will be useful to you. Again, let me reiterate that the words above and everything on my website is purely and unapologetically presented as my opinion. Take what you can use, discard the rest. Love people, live better and go out there and solve some problems!
Topics: General, Learning, Self-Improvement, Solve problems | 2 Comments »
5 Self-Improvement myths
By John DeVries | March 24, 2008
Your introduction to self-improvement may have been very similar to mine. I remember when I first came upon self-help and personal development literature I was very skeptical. However, it wasn’t long before a whole new world of possibilities was opened up to me.
Before my introduction to this field I had almost no concept of personal responsibility in terms of my life direction. I was a responsible person, but my life was mostly on autopilot. Just the very notion that you could actually create anything for yourself or of yourself, even if it meant spending many years working very hard, was new to me.
Once you begin reading lots of self-help literature you tend to become very goal and achievement oriented. There’s a lot of excitement surrounding all of this new information. You start thinking things like: “I can have whatever I want; I can change my life; I will be rich; I will finally be happy.” While any of those conditions may come true, it is easy to mislead yourself. By dumping all your eggs into the self-help basket, you become dependent on change, this often leads to a refusal to accept and enjoy where you are right now. And that leads me to self-improvement myth number one.
Myth 1: I’ll be happy when…
The fundamental premise behind this myth is this: By improving yourself and your life you will acquire things that will ultimately make you happy. Please don’t fall into this trap, and don’t let authors of self-help books and websites lead you into it. Lasting happiness is not in what you get. Happiness is already deeply woven into the very essence of who you are. In actuality, the more you try to get and acquire things with the hope that they will make you happy, the more illusive happiness will be. Intense desire is often, but not always, a stumbling block to happiness.
I am certainly not advocating an apathetic attitude toward your life, nor am I suggesting you should accept your circumstances blindly and then do nothing about them. What I am saying is that doing stuff and getting things, in order to improve the external circumstances that surround your life, (while fun, enjoyable and pleasurable) will not result in lasting fulfillment. You’ll simply end up wanting new things which you think will make you more happy. It doesn’t work.
The mindset of: “I’ll be happy with ‘X’ when I get ‘Y’”, is prevalent not just within the self-improvement industry but throughout western society. We live in a fast paced, achievement oriented world. While this results in many advancements for both individuals and our species as a whole, in excess it can be very destructive.
Self-improvement and the subsequent improvements that occur in the external parts of your life will not necessarily make you happy. Ironically, for me, it was through absorbing self-improvement literature that I found this out. So, in a way this myth is a bit paradoxical. I’m not really sure that it would be right for me to tell you how to be happy. After all, figuring out how to be happy is certainly one of life’s most difficult questions. All I can say is that while I truly believe in self-improvement and that it will bring you many forms of joy and success, I also believe true happiness is within.
Myth 2: All my problems will be solved
Improving yourself and your life does have the potential to solve problems. In fact, it can solve some of your deepest problems. After all, who on earth is in a better position to help you than you? Self-help advice can… well… be helpful, but at the end of the day your problems are your own, and ultimately you will be the one to come up with solutions. However, while improving yourself can indeed give you more tools with which to solve your problems, life is inherently… problematic.
It seems many of us have a chronic aversion and distaste for problems. We think that if there is something wrong in our life circumstances that it needs fixing ASAP, and until it gets fixed, we can’t be happy. The truth is, no matter how many problems you solve in your life, there will always be another one to take its place. So, the solution to all your problems isn’t personal development or self-help. The solution is to look at your problems differently.
Most of the problems we have in life we create. Problems are really rooted in perception. If you think it’s a problem, it is. Take death for example. For most of us, the reality that our lives will one day come to an end is a big problem. This is evident by the amazing popularity of facial wrinkle removers, hair regrowth treatments, diets, workout programs, etc… Many of these products and services are sold by the millions to people that posses at least some denial of their mortality (I’m probably one of them). They consume these things to stay looking young, ultimately because they do not accept the reality that they are getting older. And once you get old, you die.
But, believe it or not, not everyone is afraid of dying. In fact, some people don’t see it as a problem at all. While I’m not yet one of those people, I know they exist. This tells me that perception is really the problem. If death is a huge problem for one person, and insignificant to another, then the issue is probably in perception.
Myth 3: It will happen fast
Improving yourself and your life is slow work. There just isn’t any way around it.
I’ve been working very hard at it for the last 6 months and though I’ve seen significant changes, results come slowly. In that short amount of time I can say that I’m stronger, smarter, more well read, wiser, more patient, etc… But if you look at the external conditions of my life, they haven’t changed all that much. Some things have seen significant improvement. For example, getting a personal trainer has yielded tangible and measurable results for me physically.
But, the majority of your progress in the first months and even years of your own personal growth will be internal. Inside, I feel literally 100x different than I did half a year ago. But my external world catches up to me much more slowly. Don’t get me wrong, I am seeing changes and you will too. But it’s simply not a fast process. And most of the benefits, at least initially, are within.
Myth 4: More is better
It seems most people pursue the field of self-improvement to get something. Sometimes, they do it to get a lot of things.
The “get more” mentality is prevalent in our society. It’s a, “more is better” mindset. Yet, this isn’t always true. Sometimes getting what you want is great, it makes you feel good, and you enjoy the results of your labor. Other times, you find that getting what you’ve been craving for so long is somewhat anticlimactic.
“Nothing in excess, everything in moderation” - famous philosophical Greek quote
I don’t remember who said the above statement, but I think it’s particularly applicable here. Improving yourself and your life obviously entails getting things that are both tangible and intangible. But, more is not always better and there is something to be said for a simple life.
Myth 5: I’ll be at peace
Once again, peace is not acquired. Peace is within. After all, how could it be something you get? If peace of mind and heart require that you improve your life or make it different, then none of us will ever be at peace. Our lives are in a constant state of change. Things are continually flowing into them and out of them, sometimes at a very rapid pace. Yet, how often do we wait for favorable circumstances to come our way in order to feel happy and at peace with our lives and ourselves. Many people pursue personal development for that exact reason. They’re waiting for something. They’re trying to get something.
Peace results from acceptance and presence. The more completely and totally you accept where you are right now, live in this moment, and become aware of your reality in this instant, the more peace you will have. Actually, this very much the heart of meditation. That’s why it’s so popular, and why so many people find themselves at peace while they meditate. At least that’s in part why I do it.
You don’t necessarily have to put time aside to meditate. You can do it all the time. Maintain a constant awareness of your thoughts, your body and your surroundings. You’ll soon find that you enjoy the simple things that exist all around you. Once you slow down and begin to see the world the way it is, the rat race of acquisition will seem drastically less important. Be patient with yourself though, this is a profound mental shift. Like me, you may only feel true inner peace for moments at a time. Keep at it, you will improve.
Summary
I didn’t write this article to bring you down or remove your excitement about improving your life.
Heck! I run a self-improvement blog! What would be the sense in that?
I’ll be the first person to say that becoming a better person and improving your life and the lives of those around you is one of the most important things you could possibly do while you’re here on earth. What I hope you’ve taken away from this post is that while there are certainly reasons to pursue your own personal growth, there are also a lot of myths and misrepresentations in the industry. I don’t want to see you invest countless hours of work and energy into self-improvement only to find you didn’t get what you were looking for. If you’re looking for the above 5 things, self-improvement may help you get closer to them, but it isn’t the answer in and of itself.
Topics: Change, Growth, Learning, Life, Live better, Self-Improvement, Solve problems | No Comments »
How to stop feeling bad
By John DeVries | March 19, 2008
Your emotions are physical manifestations of your thoughts. This is why you feel them within your body. How you feel emotionally reflects quite perfectly how you’re thinking. This is why we often have a difficult time describing what we think about a situation vs. what we feel about it. In reality, the two are synonymous. They are simply two different reflections of the same thing. If you’re having a battle between what you think and what you feel, listen to the feelings. They may not accurately reflect reality or truth, but they will tell you quite accurately what you truly think about something.
But what I want to talk about today is how you can more effectively manage your emotions. Even more specifically, how you can manage the bad or unpleasant ones.
Emotions are real, and when you’re experiencing painful ones they can be just as potent and difficult to manage as physical pain. Actually, I would say they are a form of physical pain. However, you don’t have to suffer through them for days, weeks, or even years on end. Though therapy and medication are used liberally to help people deal with their emotional problems, I’m not alone in the belief that those methods should be reserved for the most severe cases.
Here are a few helpful tips to keep you from feeling bad.
1. Stop identifying with your thoughts.
Your mind is a tool. It is not you. Unfortunately, most of us have been adopting our thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and feelings about the past as our identity. What this means is that when your thoughts create unpleasant emotions, as they invariably will, you identify with those emotions. You will become them. Instead of watching the pain, observing it, and letting it pass. You become the pain. It gains a life and momentum of its own; and before you know it, it rolls right over you and controls you.
When you say things like: I am angry. I am hurt. I am frustrated. I am heartbroken. I am worried. I am anxious. You’re making a huge, but very normal, unconscious miscalculation.
No, you’re not those things. Your body is feeling those emotions as a result of your thoughts. And your mind is producing those thoughts mostly because you haven’t been paying attention to what you’re thinking. You, like me, have put your thoughts and emotions on autopilot, identified yourself with them, then became the pain when it arose. You don’t have to do this!
You are consciousness. You are awareness. You are a human being, not a human thinking. You are not your thoughts.
Use your mind when a situation calls for it. It is an excellent problem solver, sorter of information, and planner. However, it is not good at being, interpreting or running your life. That’s your job, and you are more than your mind and the ego it creates.
“Death is the stripping away of all that is not you” Eckhart Tolle
When you die you will lose your mind. Thus, it is not you. It is simply a part of your physical manifestation as a human being. Don’t become your mind and your ego. Instead, be conscious of them. When you observe your thoughts and emotions instead of identifying with them, you’ll gain a whole knew level of peace and understanding. You’ll watch thoughts and feelings come up, you’ll see them fade, and you’ll soon find that your mind and the emotions it produces are often irrational and unnecessary.
Read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This book created a powerful shift in how I viewed my emotions and my problems.
2. Stop projecting yourself into the future.
The only state you will experience any point of your life is in the present. When you imagine, plan or worry about the future, you’re projecting your consciousness into something that doesn’t even exist yet. And when it does exist, it will exist as the present. You can’t control the future. And though I don’t advocate you make decisions regardless of their potential consequences, for the most part, the future will take care of itself.
When you imagine the future, one of two things will usually happen. Either you will feel excited about the prospect of something better, or you will feel worried and anxious about what bad situations may occur. But what’s the point? Neither of them are real. How do either of these thoughts and emotions serve you. The truth is, they don’t. You’re simply projecting yourself into an unknown future which often produces emotional discomfort for no particular reason.
Worse yet, you’re missing out on the only moment you will ever have. You’re missing out on right now. By placing your focus on the future you severely over-dramatize your problems and difficulties. Let them go. Stay here, where you are, in this moment. It is the only moment that will ever exist, and thus, it is the best moment.
3. Stop reliving the past.
The past is nothing more than what you remember it to be. And what you remember probably isn’t even all that accurate. When you go back and relive what has already happened you open the doorway for grief, sadness, regret and longing.
Whatever existed in your past does not exist anymore. You do not have now what you had then. Going back and reliving it is a refusal to accept the present moment. And as long as you refuse to accept the present moment you will endure more emotional pain. Refusing the truth, reality, and the present is always more painful than accepting it.
Don’t beat yourself up if this is difficult to do. I struggle with this on a daily basis. My mind tends to wander back to what has happened in my past almost daily. Yet, as I watch it I see that I profit nothing from these relapses. Once you’ve learned what you needed to from the past, the rest is just pointless ruminating. Let it go, you’ll be better for it.
4. Watch your thoughts and emotions.
As I’ve already discussed, the best way to stay in the present moment (to stay in your life) is to simply watch your thoughts and emotions. It is difficult at first. You will notice that your mind spends most of its time wandering from what has happened to what will happen. Give it time, you will soon have more control over this process if you pay attention to those thoughts.
I’ve found that when I’m feeling negative it reminds me to start watching both that negativity, and the thoughts that are producing it. I know this process sounds too simple to be effective, but it really has helped me deal with some incredibly difficult emotional states. It may be simple, but it is definitely not easy. However, it most certainly is powerful.
Much of our lives are spent refusing reality and the truth
It seems most people have some level of aversion to life the way it is right now. I think this is a result of us identifying with our external circumstances and internal mental chaos. If instead, you choose to accept both of those things as transitory and you don’t identify yourself with them, you will find a much more lasting and sustainable peace.
Though I’ve touched on this state for brief moments myself, I certainly can’t say that this is how I live all the time. It’s almost as if you’re meditating 24/7 and it’s incredibly difficult. I recommend you first attempt it while you’re along, driving, sitting, watching tv, etc… Obviously you don’t want to lose focus on what you’re doing, specially if you’re driving, but those tasks don’t require 100% of your attention. You can still be conscious of what you’re thinking and feeling.
Once again I really want to recommend Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now. It wasn’t just an excellent read, it was life changing. I think that if you enter it with an open mind, it will have the power to transform your life and your emotional problems as well.
Topics: "How to" articles, Health, Life, Live better, Solve problems, Spirituality | No Comments »
5 steps to better goal setting and goal achieving
By John DeVries | March 12, 2008
Most of us have goals. It’s been proven statistically that when you write your goals down you’re far more likely to achieve them. However, I’ve found that without some way to effectively manage my goals and aspirations, many simply are forgotten or left behind. I’ve read goals I wrote years before and thought to myself, “I forgot I even wanted that.”
Putting your goals down in your journal isn’t so bad, but it doesn’t take long before you either forget to go back and review them, or stop writing in your journal all together. Since your actions generally dictate what direction your life takes, it is of vital importance that you act from day to day in a way that will help you get where you want to go. I’m going to assume you’re familiar with the idea that your thoughts and feelings effect your actions, which in turn effect your external life results and conditions. But, before we get down to the business of my own personal goal setting system, I want to first address why you should or shouldn’t have goals, and what they mean in the larger context of your life.
Setting goals
Most of us set goals with the intention of getting the things we want out of life. While this isn’t necessarily a horrible approach, it may not necessarily be the best mindset for goal achievement.
“The life committed to nothing larger than itself is a meager life indeed.” Martin E. Seligman
If you spend your years simply pursuing your goals with the belief that achieving them will make you happy, I can tell you already, from my very limited life experience, that you will never actually achieve happiness. This is a pretty bold statement, but if you want to be happy I truly believe you need do only two things. First, commit your life to something greater than the satisfaction of your ego (your desires), and second, realize you and your life are not your circumstances. At your core you are much more than your past experiences, opinions and aspirations. You are already complete, your nature is already perfect. There is nothing for you to get or do to achieve happiness. It is already inside you; the best you will do in the world will come from the overflow of that nature, not necessarily from the pursuit of your dreams.
This is not to say you shouldn’t have dreams or a direction for your life. I simply want you to understand that if you get everything you ever wanted, you still may not actually be happy. At the same time, if you accept yourself, your life and your circumstances utterly and completely, you will then have the potential to be in ultimate peace even if your circumstances are sub-par. I cannot recommend The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle strongly enough. Before this book, I was running around in circles trying to make myself the best person I could be. I figured I would be happy if I got what I wanted and became who I wanted to be. I think this is the case for many people interested in self-improvement. Thus, I advise you to read this book. It has been one of many life, and paradigm altering experiences I have had.
In summation I’ll simply say this. Set goals because they are an outward expression of the best parts of you, your purpose and your true nature. Pursue the things you want in life, but not with the expectation that they will bring you happiness. Happiness and peace are within. In the words of Joseph Campbell, “Follow your bliss.” And I’ll quality his statement by saying, “Bliss is within”. I know it’s a bit paradoxical, but truth often is. Read Eckhart’s book, further discussion of this topic is outside the scope of this article.
The goal setting and achieving system
This is the system I use to keep myself on track. It’s a combination of ideas I’ve collected from others mixed in with many ideas of my own. I think you’ll find the paragraphs below contain within them an extremely effective way for you to manage both the direction of your life, and the completion of your goals.
Step 1 - Decide on a direction for your life
Ok, this article is already going to be over 2500 words so I’m just going to provide some resources here. I really don’t want to beat the dead life-purpose horse. You can find a lot of quality information on discovering your life purpose all over the net and in a lot of great books. But, the reality is, you need to get this squared away before you start chipping away at your goals. Otherwise, in the words of Stephen Covey, and I’m paraphrasing, “You’ll arrive at the top of the latter only to find its resting on the wrong wall.” So, figure out who you are and what you want out of life, then start working towards it. If you haven’t done that yet, then make that your initial goal. You can still use this system to begin that quest.
- Life purpose and direction resources -
Finding purpose and passion in life: How and What? Urban Monk
Meaning of Life Series Steve Pavlina
Book: Life on Purpose W. Bradford Swift
And, two mostly shameless plugs of my own *cough* *ahem*
The ultimate meaning of human life
Step - 2 Establish your goals
If you’ve gone through the hard work of completing step one, this should be fairly simple. I like Steve Pavlina’s 12, “life areas”. If you establish goals in each one of these areas I think you’ll end up with a mostly balanced and successful life. This is extremely important; if you neglect too many areas, your life will feel very incomplete. Neglecting even just one can result in setbacks in many others. You’ll achieve a lot more of you take a balanced approach. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to work on all of them at once. In fact, I wouldn’t recommend that. But you do need to have an idea of where you want to be in every part of your life, not just one aspect of it. Steve Pavlina’s list:
- Work
- Financial
- Relationship
- Home & Family
- Physical Health
- Mental
- Social
- Emotional
- Spiritual
- Character
- Contribution
- Fun & Adventure
If you need clarification on what all of these areas mean and entail, listen to Steve’s podcast on Truth and Awareness.
You could set these goals in two ways. You can decide where you want to be in each of these areas roughly 5 years from now, or you can establish goals that you would consider the “ultimate accomplishment” in each of these areas. I think either way would be effective, I tend to do a little of both. In some areas, I know that I may want something very different in 5-10 years, so I plan for that. In others, I think I have a pretty good grasp of what I want out of life. For example, In 5 years I might want to have read 1,000 books. I’m not sure how many I could read in a lifetime or if I may become incapacitated and unable to read at some point. So, I would make that a 5 year goal and leave the rest up to fate. After 5 years, I would set a new goal. But, with my spirituality, I pretty much know I want the end result to be utter peace, tranquility, unconditional love and transcendence of self (ego). I’m relatively certain that will be a constant, even if I don’t achieve it in this lifetime.
So, set goals you think are appropriate. Think big, but also realize you may not have time in the years you have left to achieve them all. I doubt I will get all the things I’m working towards before I die, but I may achieve many of them. Accept that your time, energy, and even the worthiness of your pursuits is limited. This will allow you to pursue them without being overly attached to the outcome.
“You can have anything you want, but you can’t have everything.” Peter McWilliams
Step 3 - Divide your goals
Many people set goals they really want to achieve, but they don’t know exactly how to go about getting the results they want. What you need to understand is that the path towards your goal may involve many steps, possibly hundreds, or even hundreds of thousands. Interestingly enough, the path you think may get you to your goal may not even be the correct one. Thus, you need to be open and willing to pursue opportunities provided to you by God, the Universe, your higher power… whatever you believe in. If you’re a die-hard Atheist, you’re on your own with this. But, that’s not necessarily all bad either.
Every goal has two dimensions to it. There is the initial goal (the thing you want to achieve that you do not yet have). And within that goal are all the smaller goals which must first be accomplished before you get the end result. For example, if your goal is to pay cash for a $24,000 dollar car, smaller goals that need to be achieved first might be: opening a bank savings account, saving $500.00 a month, or visiting the dealership when you have the money.
The beautiful thing about it is, you don’t need to know what every step along the path to your goal is. You only need to identify two things.
1. Decide what the end result is supposed to be. E.g., 20 lbs. of weight loss, run a marathon, find a fiance, eat more chicken wings than your friend… whatever.
2. Decide what you can do right now or in the very near future that will get you on the path towards what you want.
Go ahead and divide up your goals in all of your 12 different life areas. Figure out where you want to be in each area and what you can start doing in the very near future to begin working on them.
Step 4 - Create your vision card
You may have heard of vision cards or vision boards before. But we’re going to create the vision card on steroids. This is going to be the ultimate concentration and visualization tool. More importantly though, by creating a card you are able to keep it with you at all times. Mine is in my wallet. If at any point I need to refresh my memory regarding what to do or what my goals are, I can pull it out.
Creating this card takes a little time and a fair amount of work. It also requires a bit of technological know-how. I will explain all the steps as best I can, but being slightly familiar with the web, digital image searching and image editing will be extremely helpful.
What we’re going to make is a 4×6 card that has images of your ultimate goals and your life purpose on one side, and images of immediate actions and short term goals on the other. For example, on the back might be a picture that represents 2 million dollars to you. Maybe that’s how much you want your assets to be worth someday. On the front, the corresponding short term goal might be represented by a small image of a book. Perhaps this reminds you to keep working on your book which you think will help both promote your notoriety as an author, and get you closer to your 2 million.
I use images as much as possible on these cards because images and symbols speak to your subconscious much more effectively than words. On the front of my vision card are 12 images (one for each area of my life). Most of those images also have words under them or over them with specific goals. E.g., gain 15 more lbs, run a 10K, meditate for 30 min every Saturday, etc… On the back I have written my life purpose, and I have 12 more images (again, for each life area) that represent my ideal circumstances if all of those 12 areas were exactly how I wanted them to be.
- Creating the card
First, go to Google and select image search. Search through Google to find images that are meaningful to you. Whether it’s a pretty girl, a beautiful house, money, or calm and quiet waters, pick images that elicit positive emotions in you. You’re not going to be distributing any of these, they are simply for you to look at. I’m not going to suggest that you steel other peoples’ work. If you feel you need to contact the owners of these files and ask them if you can use them only for your own personal enjoyment, that’s fine. I will admit that I did not. I have not and do not ever post other peoples’ intellectual or artistic work on my website without their approval or credit. However, no one is ever going to see my vision card but me. If this is a moral dilemma for you, you can also cut images out of magazines or books you own. This actually would be simpler, but it won’t allow you to format the card in quite the same way since you’re bound to the physical size of the images you pick.
One way or another, find 12 digital images (you could even take your own) of your long term goals and another 12 that represent actions and short term goals you can accomplish very fast. Download GIMP, a free image editing program. Install it and create a new, transparent image that is 4 inches by 6 inches at 300 dpi resolution. You’ll actually need to create two since you’re going to make a front and back to your card.
Explaining how to use GIMP is outside the scope of this article. If you’re new to all of this you can find plenty of help by searching the web. What you basically want to create is a two sided card. One side represents your over all dreams, ambitions and life direction. The other represents the things you’re going to do now to get there. I like using digital images because I can pick from a huge variety, re-size them to fit on the card, and I can use GIMP to place text over them. This way the card means something to me both emotionally and intellectually. Once I’m done I print both sides and then either laminate it or put clear packaging tape over it so it doesn’t get messed up.
There are 12 images on each side which represent all the areas of my life. I don’t use words on the back (the side that represents my long term goals and life direction) because I feel it’s limiting. I simply put images that are meaningful to me on that side. At the top though, I do have my life’s mission statement so that I can read that whenever I feel like I’m off the path.
On the front, I have listed very specific goals that correlate with the objectives on the back side. For example, I have a picture of a guy in the kind of shape I want to ultimately be in on the back of the card (If I die in a car accident my family is really going to be confused by this card). On the front, the correlating goals are that I want to get a personal trainer (did that), be able to run a 10K in May, weight 190 lbs by September, and get certified as a personal trainer by fall. All of these will be done in 6-7 months or less. Then I’ll replace the images on the front with something that will bring me to the next level. Maybe I’ll want to run a marathon, weight 210 lbs., or look a certain way. We’ll see.
Once you have that done, it’s time to set up a system that will make the card you just created, effective.
Step 5 - Weekly planning
This is really the fulcrum of the entire system. The card is worthless unless you use it to apply your goals to your life.
There isn’t much sense in having a focus and a vision card if you never use it to get anywhere. So, each week I pull it out on Sunday and have a look at both sides. I look at my schedule and start filling in actions I can take during the week to accomplish things that will get me closer to my short term goals. Most people fill their weekly schedules with appointments, to do lists and obligations. I fill mine with priorities, my goals, and activities that coincide with my highest ambitions in life. Sure, you’ll see things like, “meet so and so there”, or, “go shopping”, etc… But by and large, my calendar is an eclectic, self-improvement montage. I think It probably would only make sense to me.
This may seem a bit strange to you, but if you think about it, it’s totally logical. Most people never get where they want to go in life because they’re to busy doing all the things that won’t get them there. My schedule revolves around who I want to become as a person and the life I intend to create. My external responsibilities, appointments, and work commitments are subordinate to those objectives. If I’ve scheduled time to write a blog post, run a certain distance, read a book that will help me, meditate, or call a friend, I usually do those things as if they were commitments to others. In fact, your commitments to yourself and to your life should be just as important as those you make to others. If you can’t trust yourself to uphold the promises you make to you, then no one else can truly depend on you to make good on the promises you’ve made to them.
Summary
Once you’ve been using this system for a while you’ll find you have to start replacing the images on the front of your card. If you need to replace the stuff on the back, that’s even better! The beauty of it is that if you decide to change your focus, abandon a goal, or set a new one, all you have to do is make some adjustments to your card and those adjustments will be readily seen in your actions and in your life, since they are all organized and connected. By always having your dreams, goals, and purpose with you, your life takes on a whole knew level of focused attention and direction. You’ll get more done because you’re actually organizing your time around your values and your dreams. It’s an awesome way to accomplish what you set out to do.
Often I’ll journal about my week on Sunday when I review my card. I don’t like to journal every day, but this allows me to keep a journal without becoming a slave to it. It can also help you sort out what goals are worth going after and what ones may not be that important.
Also, don’t worry if you feel like you need to change a goal or abandon it. There’s nothing wrong with that. Even the greater context and focus of your life is bound to ebb and flow with time. As you grow, your purpose and direction will grow with you.
Topics: Change, General, Goals, Life, Live better | No Comments »
Don’t put your life on hold; do it now.
By John DeVries | March 1, 2008
Have you ever caught yourself saying things like:
“I’ll do it when…”
“Once I lose some weight, I’ll look better and then I can go to the gym.”
“I’m just not ready to try yet.”
“Once I make more money, I’ll travel to Europe.”
“After I get the new job, I’ll spend more time with my family.”
“I’ll be happy once this is over”
How often do we put our lives and our happiness on hold for some external condition to become true? Ironically, waiting around for that one thing to work out keeps us from pursuing what we want and enjoying what we’ve got. Mr. McWilliams says it best:
“Recollection and anticipation fill up almost all our moments.” Peter McWilliams
This is a faulty outlook, let me explain why.
I’ll start with a short personal story.
I’ve been working pretty hard this year to rearrange my life in a way that more accurately expresses who I am and what I believe. Rebuilding it from the ground up hasn’t been easy, and I have a long way to go. Starting this blog was a part of that process. I’ve known for some time that I wanted to run my own business, I like blogging and I thought this was probably the best way for me to share my strengths with other people. That’s all fine and dandy I suppose.
But after the first month of what seemed like relentless reading and writing, I realized something. Even if this blog is the most successful blog on the Internet (an unlikely prospect) and even if I derive great joy from running it and sharing my life and ideas with people (a likely prospect), that won’t make my life happy, balanced, or well rounded.
I was actually operating under the foolish assumption that once my blog was established and running, then I could go ahead and pursue all the other things I wanted in life.
I would think things like:
“Once the blog is set, I’ll start looking for a new girlfriend.”
“After I get the blog going, I’ll start thinking about switching jobs if I need to.”
“Once I have enough money coming in from the blog, I’ll start to travel more.”
“I don’t want to live here, but I can’t move until the blog is done.”
“When I don’t have to spend so much time on the blog, I can start going to the gym another day or two a week”
This was absolute silliness on my part.
Blogs can take years to build and establish. Certainly building a successful blog will take time and sacrifice, no doubt. But, If I throw my entire life into it for the next two years I would probably end up with neither a successful blog, nor a happy and balanced life.
First, by ignoring the other dimensions of my life I would be making too great a sacrifice for the blog. By foolishly thinking the blog was the key to my life and placing everything else on hold, two years could pass, I would have few friends, the same job and no time to travel. Worse still, by neglecting those parts of my life, I think it’s likely I would have rendered myself incapable of producing the kind of quality content that will build a community and help my readers. So at the end of the day, I’d be left with nothing.
But blogging is just one example, people put their lives on hold for lots of things. Here are just a few.
Putting life on hold to build a career
This is an extremely common problem for people who are extremely motivated to do well in their careers. Some folks will work for 50, 60, even 90 hours a week in order to get promotions and move up the corporate ladder. They neglect their family, friends, spirituality and often their health. This is extremely prevalent in western society. I’m not going to suggest that focusing too much on your job is the sole cause of obesity or being overweight, but I will go so far as to say that many people neglect their health because they feel their responsibilities at work already require too much of their time an attention.
That’s an excuse. If your job is so demanding that you have to abuse your body, get a new job. It’s that simple. Sacrificing your health for money just plain isn’t worth it. But that’s not the only problem over-dedicating your time to work can cause.
Marriages often fall apart because one or both partners are too tired to maintain intimacy (not just the physical kind) after a long work week. Children get neglected because our jobs take up too much energy. And sometimes, even our very sense of purpose and passion gets eroded by the slow, relentless monotony of work and responsibility. Our passions become wishes, our wishes dreams, our dreams hopes, and finally hope turns to the surrender of our greatest gift - free will.
If that’s not a recipe for disaster, I don’t know what is.
Take a good honest look at your work-life. How much of your time and energy are you investing in it? What are the results? Are they worth it? Is work a part of your life, an extension of you? Or, does it control your life?
If you didn’t need to work, what would you be doing?
Whatever the answer to that last question is, freaking get going. This moment is the only moment you have. Stop living in the past and future, take control, chase those things down now and bring some balance to your life. It’s your life! What are you going to do with it, work?
Putting life on hold for school
This is a huge problem for some students. Sure, school does take up a lot of your time. I’m not suggesting you should just throw caution to the wind and waste your chance to get educated. However, you can take it too far. If you’re extremely intelligent, getting all ‘A’s might only take you a few hours of studying a week. That wasn’t the case for me. If I wanted an ‘A’ in my difficult courses, I had to work very hard for it. But usually I decided that a simple letter on my transcript wasn’t worth sacrificing so much of my life. I graduated with a 3.2 GPA. I could have gotten a 4.0 if I had surrendered a lot more of my free time. But, at the end of the day all I could do with that number is put it on a resume and say I studied a lot. It just wasn’t worth it to me. In some cases the difference between a ‘B’ and an ‘A’ may have meant I took in less knowledge than I could have. In most cases though, it was simply a function of how much I studied.
You can’t get your life back. Don’t miss out on your twenties because you spent your time swamped with books to read and papers to write. I’m not suggesting you do poorly in school, just keep it in check. There’s more to life than tests, grades and who-knows-why-I’m-taking-this 101. If you need a 4.0 to get into your field or graduate school, that’s one thing. But remember to weigh the costs, don’t put yourself in a position where looking back on your college years you wish you had spent more time investing in other areas of your life.
What about your level of fitness? Do you have a job that will help you gain work experience towards the field of study you’re pursuing? What about an internship? Do you have any sort of moral or spiritual grounding? Are you cultivating new relationships through your contacts at school?
One of my greatest regrets about college is that I didn’t get more involved socially. I let my job, school and my romantic relationships take up all my time. Looking back now I wish I had joined more clubs and gotten to know more people. Learn from my mistake.
Putting life on hold for your partner
It’s one thing to make a sacrifice for someone. It’s all together different to abandon your life for another person. Are you so complete invested in your romantic relationship that you don’t have much of a life outside of it? This is extremely unhealthy, I know because I’ve done it.
It’s good to be dedicated to someone you love, but you’re actually doing a disservice to them if you’re over-investing in them. Placing you partner on a pedestal will put pressure on them to meet too many of your needs, and that may strain the relationship so far that it breaks.
Secondly, if you put too much emphasis on your relationships, you’re likely to neglect the other parts of your life that need attention. Often people become attached to their partner not necessarily because they love them, but because their significant other fills a void in their life. If you do this, you will hit the ground hard, if, or when the relationship comes to an end. In order for a relationship to be healthy, both parties must first become independent. Once this has happened, they can work together and function as a unit with ease.
Though it’s both common and natural to be a bit overzealous in the first months of a new relationship, once the initial spark has died and you’ve stabilized a bit it’s time to get back to your life. It’s ok for your partner to be a part of it, even a big part of it. Just don’t forget that you don’t live for each other, there is more to life.
Putting life on hold because you’re waiting for something
You might not be taking action towards something right now because you’re waiting.
My question is this: What on earth are you waiting for?
People wait for all kinds of things before they are willing to go after their dreams. They wait for the right opportunities, the right time, the right job, the right person, the right sign, etc…
Guess what folks, the right ____ may never come along. It’s your job to create the conditions that will make whatever it is you want possible. Perhaps you can’t create all of those conditions right this instant, but you can be working towards them on a consistent and regular basis.
I stated earlier that I’ve been putting a lot of things on hold for this blog. But, I’m done doing that. So, this week I made some changes. I’ve been thinking for some time now that I wanted to have a more fulfilling job. So, I decided Monday that I needed to think about what kind of job would allow me to express my strengths, passions and beliefs. And I finally feel in life like I have reached a point where I have the clarity to actually pick work that will fit me. I used the “inside out” approach instead of the “outside in”.
Tuesday I was driving to a friends house for dinner when I asked myself the question, “What kind of job would allow me to express the best parts of me and use my talents?” And instantly, as if someone else was inside my head I heard, “personal trainer”. This seemed odd to me because I’ve NEVER considered this job before. I’m in pretty good shape, I work out almost daily and it’s something I enjoy. But, I never considered helping other people get in shape to be something I could, or even would, want to pursue. Still, I’ve learned to listen to that little voice inside, even if I don’t understand it at first.
It’s now less than 5 days later and I’ve talked to a personal trainer about what the job is like, I’ve gotten a trainer for myself to bring my fitness to the next level, and I’ve figured out what to do and how long it will take to get certified. Plus, that research led me to a few other possible careers that I know would be a better fit for me than anything I’ve considered before.
I wanted to explain all of that to you so that you could understand something.
If I had just put it off and decided to wait for the blog to grow I wouldn’t be moving in a direction that would allow me to do fulfilling work nearly as quickly. This blog is fulfilling to me, but it will take many months and years of work. A new job can happen much faster. I would like someday to write for this blog full-time, but in between now and then I need to be sharing my life with people in a way that is meaningful to me and useful to them. And a new job is a way to do that. It could be years before this blog grows enough for me to dedicate a larger portion my time to it. Or, that may never happen. Who knows, I may decide at some point that I don’t want it to.
By taking direct action I’ve put myself on a path that has placed me in greater alignment with my dreams and who I am. You can do the same.
Do what you can, right freaking NOW
You probably won’t be able to have the end result your looking for right this instant. That’s ok. Do everything that you can to make your life what you want it to be right now, in the present.
Do you want to travel but you don’t have someone to go with?
Buy a tent or book a hotel room, make a reservation and get in your car. Go to the places you want to go. See the things you want to see. Use that time for self discovery.
Do you want your office to be more organized?
Plan a four hour block next week where you will clean up your office. In the mean time, buy some books on organization and ask other people how they keep their workspace clean.
Do you want to be a Navy pilot and fly an FA-18 off an aircraft carrier?
Get a pilots license, get your vision tested to see if you have 20/20. Find out what it takes to reach that goal. Decide if joining the military is really right for you. Figure it out now. Not later, now.
Do you want to lose weight?
Educate yourself. Find out what it will take to lose the weight you want to lose. Get a trainer, join a gym, buy some workout clothes. Go to the store and buy the food you need to be eating. Do it now.
Stop waiting around for God to descend from heaven itself and give you his personal blessing. The worst that can happen is you’ll make a few bad decisions and you’ll have to go back and start over. So what, you’ll have learned something.
The present moment
Your entire life will be lived in the present moment. Your past is nothing more than the largely inaccurate, and often insignificant memories you’ve stored in your brain. Your future is nothing more than the potential good and bad events you project upon it. The only moment you will ever live in is this moment. Take hold of the things you want and work towards them now. Not just in one area of your life, but in all areas. At the same time, don’t forget that you are already blessed.
“If you can see, walk, love, and get our of bed each morning, you are rich beyond measure.” - James Arthur Ray
Keep in mind that even a balanced and healthy pursuit of your dreams is only that - a pursuit. Your life can be dedicated to much more than your ambitions. Still, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go after them. Make your goals and aspirations an extension of your life; don’t let your life become a slave to your dreams.
Topics: Courage, General, Goals, Life, Live better | No Comments »